I'm contrary and I want to speak

[sciatrix]

So the latest shitstorm on tumblr is all about how words like queerplatonic are totally overanalyzing and useless and just making up unnecessary words, which is somehow... bad? I don't even know what they're arguing there, or why these words are supposed to hurt anyone else. That bit's never been clearly explained in favor of focusing on all the shaming going on.

Because I'm contrary and my reaction to someone trying to tear down my communities is to immediately try to build it up, I wanted to have a discussion here about relationships that blur the lines of the friendship/romantic relationship binary.

For me, personally, these words are absolutely important. And not just because they're the signs of the first time I've ever had a community, even a little one, where I actually feel like other people are getting me and the relationships I tend to make, either. These words give me a vocabulary to talk about what I've been going through in a way that almost nothing else does.

Some of the people being assholes were arguing that "friend" is a broad enough term for these kinds of relationships. And the thing is, "friend" is so broad and so devalued that I think it's really not; either it's been broadened so much that it's meaningless or, if you do narrow it down and try to describe what a "friend" is, it's woven through with devalued connotations to the point where I think it's better for me to jettison it as a word for my closer relationships.

And then there's the wonderful person who felt the need to tell Kaz that zer relationships (one of which is with me) are totally romantic. And the thing is--no, as far as I can tell, it's not. Some of the cultural markers that are specific to romantic relationships are there, yeah, like the attempts to commit to one another and the general feeling of importance, but a ton of others--like the hierarchical "most important" feelings and the elements of jealousy over sharing (both of us have another zucchini)--aren't there at all.

So--if you find these words important to you at all, let's talk about why. If you use words like "queerplatonic" and "zucchini" for yourself, let's discuss why those words are necessary. If you don't, let's talk about why other fine-tuned distinctions asexuals make are important. Above all, though, let's talk about our realities.

After all, these people would rather we be silent. Speaking up is the best revenge.

Comments

[aceofhearts61]

First of all, without even getting into specific words, it has to be said that language is of UTMOST importance because it contributes to the realness of our identities and our relationships. Language is power. Language is used to control society on every level and always has been. That's why language policing is so dangerous. Without the right words, we have no way of communicating with each other, with ourselves, or with people outside our community. We are extremely vulnerable without the right language. Even the word "asexual" is a prime example: that word was not in use anywhere several decades ago, to describe a person's sexual orientation. People could not understand themselves or their own feelings because they had no words, never mind having the world understand them. Outsiders trying to take our words away from us is a form of oppression. I don't even like using that word but there's really no other way to describe it.

When it comes to alternative/nonsexual/nonromantic relationships, language is even more important. As has been demonstrated by several ignorant haters, there's a strong tendency to totally misconstrue or dismiss the relationships WE want because they are very unconventional, rare, and have no major presence anywhere in our culture, our media, etc. (I cannot BELIEVE what was said to Kaz. That is blatant erasure of aromantics.) You are right on about the word "friend" and the word "friendship." It's totally devalued in American society, it's thrown around carelessly, it's TOO broad and comes along with a lot of relationship hierarchy/romance supremacist connotations. I feel like these people trying to take away our words for relationships are basically invalidating any relationship that doesn't neatly fit into the "sexual," "romantic," and "friend" boxes because those are the only boxes that exist FOR THEM. The notion that we're trying to be "special snowflakes" by creating a vocabulary that works for us is so outrageously ridiculous and offensive, I can't even.

Anyway. Most of my life, I identified as romantic. Now, I have no idea what I am because I'm radically relationship anarchist and my conceptualization of "romance" is not like the standard and I question whether I even need to make a distinction--with words--between different kinds of love. But even if, let's say, I still assume a "romantic" identity, I personally feel that words like "queerplatonic" are very, very valuable. When I first heard about "romantic friendship," in my childhood, I cannot describe the joy I felt to know that the kind of relationship I had dreamed up actually had a name and that other people used to do it. It made the concept something REAL. That's what language does: it creates a certain degree of reality about a thing that wouldn't otherwise exist.

Without words that describe the specific feelings and relationships we experience or want, it is unbelievably easy for us to be misunderstood. I need a word that describes the kind of relationship I used to want with my female best friend--a platonic but committed, cohabiting, somewhat exclusive relationship. I need a word that describes the very intense feelings I've felt in the past for my cousins: not totally platonic, completely nonsexual, somewhat romantic but not like 99% of mankind thinks of "romantic." I need words to describe my sexuality, my emotional needs, the way they interact, etc. Because without those words, I HAVE and will continue to be totally misunderstood. Without the right words, the people in my personal life and the entire world will always think that I would be okay with a committed best friend leaving me for a sexual partner because we were "just friends," they'll always think that I had some kind of "(sexual) crush" on my cousins, they'll always think that I'm just a "straight" female who "likes being alone" or whose standards are too high so THAT'S why I don't date or who just doesn't want to have sex because of some totally fucked up reason. Without the right words, people will always think that I was born cool with spending the rest of my life alone just because I don't want to have sex and because I don't believe in marriage. Without the right words, people will always think I'm just some emotionless, sexless, robot who they can overlook because hey, I'm not even interested in human connection anyway.

And even for the male person who I want to meet and with whom you could say I want a "romantic" relationship, I've had to grapple with words. I've settled on "partner" because that seems to be the best fit of all my options. I hate "boyfriend" and "girlfriend," I can't use "spouse" or "husband" because I'll never marry, I don't "date" but obviously he and I wouldn't be "just friends" the way sexual people think of that. Hell, even
"partner" probably implies relationship hierarchy to some level and monogamy as well, neither of which I want to participate in. Exclusivity, yes. Living with someone, some of the time, yes. But not the way all the sexual people out there do it. And I don't want them thinking that I'm doing it their way, anymore than I want them thinking I'm straight instead of asexual.

[kaz]

*standing ovation*

[aceeccentric]

That's what language does: it creates a certain degree of reality about a thing that wouldn't otherwise exist.

It really, really does, and this is an excellent point. I came up with the word asexual on my own but I didn't think that it was a real thing until I saw that it was a word that other people used, as well.

This is a great response. I second kaz's applause.