I'm contrary and I want to speak
Aug. 24th, 2011 07:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sciatrix posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
group_xSo the latest shitstorm on tumblr is all about how words like queerplatonic are totally overanalyzing and useless and just making up unnecessary words, which is somehow... bad? I don't even know what they're arguing there, or why these words are supposed to hurt anyone else. That bit's never been clearly explained in favor of focusing on all the shaming going on.
Because I'm contrary and my reaction to someone trying to tear down my communities is to immediately try to build it up, I wanted to have a discussion here about relationships that blur the lines of the friendship/romantic relationship binary.
For me, personally, these words are absolutely important. And not just because they're the signs of the first time I've ever had a community, even a little one, where I actually feel like other people are getting me and the relationships I tend to make, either. These words give me a vocabulary to talk about what I've been going through in a way that almost nothing else does.
Some of the people being assholes were arguing that "friend" is a broad enough term for these kinds of relationships. And the thing is, "friend" is so broad and so devalued that I think it's really not; either it's been broadened so much that it's meaningless or, if you do narrow it down and try to describe what a "friend" is, it's woven through with devalued connotations to the point where I think it's better for me to jettison it as a word for my closer relationships.
And then there's the wonderful person who felt the need to tell Kaz that zer relationships (one of which is with me) are totally romantic. And the thing is--no, as far as I can tell, it's not. Some of the cultural markers that are specific to romantic relationships are there, yeah, like the attempts to commit to one another and the general feeling of importance, but a ton of others--like the hierarchical "most important" feelings and the elements of jealousy over sharing (both of us have another zucchini)--aren't there at all.
So--if you find these words important to you at all, let's talk about why. If you use words like "queerplatonic" and "zucchini" for yourself, let's discuss why those words are necessary. If you don't, let's talk about why other fine-tuned distinctions asexuals make are important. Above all, though, let's talk about our realities.
After all, these people would rather we be silent. Speaking up is the best revenge.
Because I'm contrary and my reaction to someone trying to tear down my communities is to immediately try to build it up, I wanted to have a discussion here about relationships that blur the lines of the friendship/romantic relationship binary.
For me, personally, these words are absolutely important. And not just because they're the signs of the first time I've ever had a community, even a little one, where I actually feel like other people are getting me and the relationships I tend to make, either. These words give me a vocabulary to talk about what I've been going through in a way that almost nothing else does.
Some of the people being assholes were arguing that "friend" is a broad enough term for these kinds of relationships. And the thing is, "friend" is so broad and so devalued that I think it's really not; either it's been broadened so much that it's meaningless or, if you do narrow it down and try to describe what a "friend" is, it's woven through with devalued connotations to the point where I think it's better for me to jettison it as a word for my closer relationships.
And then there's the wonderful person who felt the need to tell Kaz that zer relationships (one of which is with me) are totally romantic. And the thing is--no, as far as I can tell, it's not. Some of the cultural markers that are specific to romantic relationships are there, yeah, like the attempts to commit to one another and the general feeling of importance, but a ton of others--like the hierarchical "most important" feelings and the elements of jealousy over sharing (both of us have another zucchini)--aren't there at all.
So--if you find these words important to you at all, let's talk about why. If you use words like "queerplatonic" and "zucchini" for yourself, let's discuss why those words are necessary. If you don't, let's talk about why other fine-tuned distinctions asexuals make are important. Above all, though, let's talk about our realities.
After all, these people would rather we be silent. Speaking up is the best revenge.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-24 02:36 pm (UTC)Same-sex marriage.
And, as far as I know, a lot of the main arguments go along the lines of: it is unfair that people's important relationships get treated differently just because they're both of the same gender, it is unfair that they are excluded from numerous benefits such as visa rights, tax benefits, adoption rights, visitation rights, and so on and so forth, it is unfair that their relationships get treated as though they were "just friends" and the love, importance and commitment is erased.
And these people are now telling us that we should have no problems whatsoever fitting our deep, loving, committed long-term partnerships into "friendship". As if none of those things in the above paragraph could possibly ever apply to us.
(Or, you know, telling us that our relationships have to be romantic, and I am still staring at the comment going "..........what." Especially given, you know, that in that same comment thread I'd talked about agonising for years over whether the relationship I had and the ones I wanted were "romantic or friendship" and not getting anywhere because neither of the two fit.)